Archive for cancer

One Year Later

Posted in Cancer, End of Life, Musings with tags , , , , , , , on August 3, 2013 by madelincwolf

August 1 marked the date that my husband passed away last year.  I can’t believe that it has been that long.  I still miss him so much! It is getting easier  to think of him without getting really down.  In the days leading up to the first, I did have some flashbacks.  Mostly, though I remember the good things that we shared.  I suppose that this next year will be easier still.

On another note, I am getting back into my  studio working on client projects once again.  Having my own brush with a little bit of cancer has galvanized my desire to give my art a greater part in my life.  I believe that it is possible to do both my business and my art. That is the plan anyway.

I am so seriously behind on my weekly words it’s not funny.  Hope to catch up with that soon.

Right now, I have some back trouble that needs to be resolved for me to be fully engaged in my life.  I just hope that it won’t be something that is chronic and unfixable.  That would really be a bummer.  So, that’s it for now… time to ice.


WORD Week 17

Posted in 52 Weeks-52 Words, health care, Musings with tags , , , , , on April 22, 2013 by madelincwolf

A bit early this week!  Well, chalk that up to being home instead of in my studio.  I have tailored my most of my words to what is happening in my life so why stop now?  This weeks word is KNOWING.  All of us who have lived awhile know certain things.  We have experience, sometimes even wisdom.  Having knowledge is different than knowing.  Knowing comes from the gut or the heart, knowledge from the brain.  So what is this all leading up to?  I had a gut feeling and even knew in my heart that my report ( a preliminary report to be finalized later today) would not be good.  It isn’t devastating news, yet.  However, I will need an operation to prevent worse things happening.  So, today, I am home, processing what I was told and what I am facing.  I know that my family and friends will be supportive.  That is all I can ask for, oh, and a good outcome, of course, not to mention that I would like to win Powerball as long as I’m asking for stuff here!  If I don’t keep my humor, what do I have?

The Battle is Over

Posted in End of Life, photo manipulation, Photoshopped, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on August 3, 2012 by madelincwolf

On August 1 at 6:25 pm, my dear husband Doug passed away from cancer after a long fight.  His passing was peaceful.  He just stopped breathing. The word surreal comes to mind when I think of his last few days. The five hour seizure on Saturday was the final blow that he could not recover from.  I have so many feelings inside, sorrow, relief, and still some anger.  I had a long time to process the fact that he was going to die.  I felt myself pulling away in spite of my love for him. I don’t think that he truly believed it.  His sons are having a hard time expressing their grief.  He had many friends who loved him and will have a hard time dealing with his loss.   There will be a celebration of his life next month, most likely.

On a technical note:  This is a scan of my favorite photo of him.  I tried for 2+ hours to clean up the imperfections in the photo and succeeded!  Twice Photoshop crapped out when I tried to save my edits.  Probably something I did wrong, but it’s pretty hard to freeze a MAC, at least in my experience.  I wanted the perfect photo.  Of course we are all here on this earth with our imperfections.  Doug was no exception.  So, I am going to forgive myself for not having the perfect photo of him to share with you.

Rest in peace, my beloved.


Posted in Musings, Uncategorized with tags , , , on June 17, 2012 by madelincwolf

Everyday I go to see my husband in the Skilled  Nursing Facility, I wonder if this will be the last time I see him alive.  What will the day bring?  Will he have lucid moments when he will call me ‘Babydoll’ and ask about his boys?  Or, will he talk about the snakes and going to the airport down the street to go flying or the cut baby that just happens to be a bunching of the sheets.  Will the antibiotics help him get over the pneumonia in his left lung?  Will he eat with difficulty, or will he have no problems at all.  I just have to go with the flow and accept what is happening to him.  I am thankful for the good moments that I have had.  I have already started to think about making a memory quilt.  Weird.

Just Thinking

Posted in Challenges, health care, quilt restoration, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on April 4, 2011 by madelincwolf

I have been hard at work finishing quilt projects and working on my library show quilts.  Tax time is upon me and I have not finished yet!  Yikes!   I have also spent a lot of time dealing with my DH’s appointments in the last few weeks.  The good news it that everything is stable and his vena cava is open; patent (long ‘a’ vowel sound) as his oncologist put it.  However his sub clavicles are still occluded. So, blood thinners are still needed.  At least his hair is growing back.

I am so done with all the health care issues.  Because he is disabled, he still qualifies for MediCal.  There is a new program we just found out about that will help reduce the over 1K/month in share of cost he is expected to pay.  This is prohibitively expensive.  We found out that MediCal only looks at income, not expenses when making their determination. Had we been able to pay just a bit more, we never would have had to give up our Kaiser coverage!  As for me, for the first time since my early 20’s I am without health insurance.  There is a  county program for low income people, however I make too much money.  I would have to gross half of my average monthly income from my business to qualify.  I don’t meet any of the  criteria for other programs such as Major Risk Medical Insurance Program or Pre-existing Condition Insurance, for example.   I had better stay healthy until I am 65, if Medicare is still around, that is!

Sorry about the ranting.  I just had to get it out.  There are undoubtedly many other people who are worse off than I am.  I am thankful for what I do have.  I am thankful that my husband is surviving his ordeal.  I am thankful for my creativity and my perseverance in believing that I can make my art in spite of everything that challenges me and gets in the way.  My friends and family have been my support in this difficult time.  Tomorrow will be a better day.

I will have new posts with pictures of challenges, photos I have taken and other art work soon.  Please check out the April Special if you have a quilt to be quilted or a restoration.

A Difficult Time

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on November 8, 2010 by madelincwolf

A little over two weeks ago my husband was admitted to the hospital with a mass in his chest.  It turned out to be lung cancer that had wrapped itself around his superior vena cava near the heart.  Overnight my world changed from working on my client projects,making some art  and the usual interactions, to dealing with going back and forth to the hospital, seeing monitors, hearing beeps and bells and learning more than I ever wanted to know about how they work. I wake up almost every day with anxiety not knowing if my husband will survive.  For his type of cancer there is a 10% cure rate.  My mantra is, “He’s already cured.”  I have to get back to the mundane necessities of life, like making a living.  My brain is mush.  One day I left the car door open and the next I forgot to bring my purse.  Will it get easier?

And now for the sermon.  If you read this and are a smoker, QUIT TODAY.  My DH was not a heavy smoker, if fact he denied being a smoker saying that he had smoked for 2 years a long time ago.  He also was in a band back in the day when smoking in clubs and bars was de rigueur.  I since found out that he was a secret smoker, not smoking much, but smoking nevertheless.   And now he is going through so much and has put his loved ones in a state of relentless anguish and anxiety.  Please, please quit.  And if you experience anything that seems not quite right in your body, get it checked out and tell the truth.  Most lung cancers are only caught at stage 3 or 4.  You don’t want to go through this, believe me.